Monday, August 16, 2010

A Mean Disease.

Infertility is a mean disease.

And it is a disease. One that steals your hopes and dreams just as much as it robs your body of it's ability to create and sustain life.

It's not always talked about.

It's not always understood.

But it is a disease.

And I have it.

I got bad news from the doctor today. No, I'm not dying. And no, it's not cancer or any other additional disease. And no, I do not have to have any surgeries or have anything removed or anything like that. And other than that, I'm not sharing specifics right now.

But it's enough to say that the hope that I had been feeling lately is gone. And I'm not sure if it's ever coming back.

I spent lots of time today crying, and yelling at God, and crying, and being snarky to people who love me, and crying, and crying, and crying.

I think I'm all cried out.

I'm still sad.

Still not feeling hopeful.

And even a little angry and snarky still.

But God speaks through hugs from my son.

And listening ears.

And songs on the radio.

And yellow roses from my husband.

And maybe... just maybe... He really is right here with me.

Even in this.


Nicole said...

Awww Grace - sending hugs and prayers your way. So sorry!

KatieKate said...

So sorry, Grace.
I'm very sorry.

It's ok to be mad and frustrated... you do whatever you need to do. And lean on your family. leeeeeeeeeeean

rachel said...

I'm so sorry Grace.

Jeda Kerby said...

Grace, as I read this this morning this bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 came to me.."For I know the plans I have for you.." declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." You know that God loves you and wants to give you hope and a future, no matter what.. He has everything figured out, and there is so much peace to that... Our son Brian and wife Michelle wanted more than just one child, (David) but they lost four little babies... One day they decided to look into adopting and they adopted little Rebecca from Tailand. She is such a joy to the entire family, and we all love her so much. There is no difference in the way we love her and feel about her than any of our grandchildren.. I can see you and Steve maybe adopting a child who wouldn't have Christian parents otherwise... and that may not be what you feel led to do.. But hold fast to your faith, I know you are a strong person in the Lord, and I believe he will hear and answer your prayers....Love you guys, Jeda Kerby

Grace said...

Jeda, we have been homestudy-approved for over 2 years now. We would LOVE to adopt. But nothing seems to be happening there for us either. At least, not yet.

Thanks all. In the words of you, Kate, I will not drown. :)