Family Circus

We went to the Shriner Circus in Kansas City this past weekend with a group of friends from church. We were given free tickets, which is always nice! The circus was amazing and we had such a great time hanging out with everyone. I thought I'd share a couple of family pictures with those of you who are not on Facebook! :)

Teeter-Totter

There are times when I feel very content with having only 1 child. I still desire another one, but I'm content, you know? I think about all the good things about having an only child. He gets uninterrupted time with both parents, our home is much more tranquil without siblings arguing with each other, we are able to afford to live on one salary, etc. Our son is a joy and we delight in him fully. I love our family just as we are.

Then there are other times when the desire for a second child is like a punch in the gut, it hits me and takes my breath away and demands my total attention! Sometimes it creeps up in jealousy when I see other families who have 2, 3, 4 or more children, and I wonder why I can't just have one more. Sometimes it manifests itself in doubt, when I start to wonder why God won't just heal my body and let us conceive again. Sometimes it's sadness, when I look at my son and wonder if he will ever get the chance to be a big brother, if he will ever have a little brother or sister to adore.

It's like being on an emotional teeter-totter. Up... Down. Up... Down. But at least I'm at the point where my up days happen a lot more often than my down ones. And I am so thankful for that!

The Little Prince

Nathan was Prince Caspian from Narnia for Halloween, and he looked so adorable! He has been very in to knights lately, so we were very excited to find this costume on sale. We didn't let him wear it until his Halloween party at school, but now he puts it on every day! You can tell by looking at him how strong and brave he feels when he has it on!

Nathan's preschool class all dressed up on their party day!

When strangers become angels...

Just another day in the life of me. It's never boring, I'll say that!

So last night Steve went to the Missouri Baptist Convention annual meeting, and Nathan and I decided to use our night without dad to do some birthday shopping for Steve. We headed to St. Joseph, which is about 30 minutes away. We got to the store, looked around, selected a gift, and took it up to pay... and then I realized that my wallet was not in my purse! As soon as I noticed it was missing, I knew exactly what had happened and where it was - on my counter at home! I felt so silly but I told the cashier that we would not be able to purchase it and we got in the van to head home.

It was then that I realized that I was almost out of gas. The gauge was in the feared red zone, and the annoying little light that likes to remind you to get gas was lit up. I did not have near enough gas to get home... and I had no wallet. No credit card. No cash. No nothing. I did have my cell phone with me. (thank You, Jesus!) However, I have a Go-Phone and I literally had about $2.00 left on it. So I called Steve (cause I can call him for free!). And called. And called.
And called. Of course he had his phone off - he was in a meeting! So finally I texted him and wrote: "Call Grace cell NOW!" Poor Steve. I think I may have given him a mild heart attack when he read that text AND noticed that I had called 18 times in less than 5 minutes.

He ended up calling some dear friends of ours in our town to see if they would be willing to drive up and rescue me. They happened to know someone in St. Joe who they called and who graciously agreed to drive to McDonald's and bail out a stranger. I thought the entire McDonald's crew was going to burst into applause when the kind tennis coach gave the crying woman and her very patient son $20 for gas. I had to hug the guy. Seriously, I was just so thankful.

So thanks to Steve, Lila, and Lanny for helping organize our rescue. Thanks to Nathan for being patient during our adventure. Thanks to God who bends His ear to hear our cries and provide for our needs. And thank you, Tom, my stranger angel. May you be blessed, as you have blessed me.

We have a 5-year-old in the house!

Nathan's birthday was October 8th, and we had so much fun celebrating with him! His birthday was on a Thursday this year, which just happens to be Steve's day off, so we spent the entire day together. The day began with a Daddy/Son trip to our local donut shop. Because this shop is owned by church members, and because Nathan was sporting his "Birthday Boy" T-shirt, they gave them all their donuts for free, and even threw in a cookie for good measure! So sweet!

Then when Nate got home, he got his gift from Steve and I... which was this:


Yes, a brand new big-boy bike. He was so excited, and of course he wanted to go out and ride it right away... and of course it was raining, but we didn't let that stop us! We took him out and let him ride back and forth under our overhang in the front of the house. He did so good! Then we headed to Kansas to eat lunch at T-Rex, an awesome dinosaur-themed restaurant. Nathan really liked that too. And again, because of his T-shirt, the waiter brought him a free dessert for his birthday!


After lunch, we drove back to the Missouri and spent a couple hours playing games at Chuck E. Cheese. And again, because of the free advertising on his T-shirt, he was given some free tokens to add to the 50 we purchased. Whew! All 3 of us had fun playing games together. Nathan especially liked playing air hockey with Daddy, and beating him 3 out of 4 games!


After all that, we drove over to Steve's parents house for a birthday dinner with them. Vivian had made homemade chicken nuggets, which Nathan deemed, "the best nuggest EVER!", as well as a super-cool birthday cake. And, they gave him two new BibleMan DVDs, which he was very excited about! And even after all that, the birthday celebrations were just getting started. Stay tuned for birthday party pictures coming soon!

This guy gets it!

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
-C. S. Lewis-

I saw this quote today on a wonderful online support forum that I belong to, and it really touched my heart. Because C.S. Lewis gets it. He gets me. This is right where I am.

I have come through the doubt and the fears that God's plans for me are something I just have to settle for. I've accepted the fact that what the Bible says about God's plans for me are true, that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to bring me hope and a future. So at this time, in this place, I'm not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for me... but oh how I wonder how painful His best will turn out to be.

He has promised me many things... but He has never promised me that His best for me will be easy. Or fun. Or what I would have chosen if I were in control of it all. Because infertility hurts, and it's hard, and it can drag me down quicker than anything else right now. But God is still God, and God is still good. And God has His best in store for me. Whatever that may be.

Help me to walk with my head up, Lord, secure in the knowledge that You are doing the best for me. And when it gets painful, because it will... I'm going to need Your help to get me through it. And I'm going to trust that You have a plan in it all, even the hard stuff, and that Your plans are ALWAYS for my best. Everything for my good, all for Your glory. You are showing me that this is true. Thank You.

I'm Feeling It

In my life right now, there are many people, friends and family, who are either pregnant or who have just had babies. It comes with being the age I am. It's something that is always around me. And some of those people have expressed concern to me about their good news causing me pain in my current infertility journey. But in response I can honestly say, please don't worry about that. It's true I want another baby. I want one more than anything else in this world. But I don't want other people to NOT have babies just because I can't, if that makes any sense. I have learned long ago in this infertility struggle that other people's stories really have no bearing on my own. It wouldn't make me feel good if someone else couldn't get pregnant. Those I know who are also infertile, I pray every day that they will have babies soon. Those I know who are fertile, I don't wish away their fertility. So please don't worry about YOUR story causing me pain.

That being said, in this moment, MY story is causing me some pain. I'm just feeling really hopeless about ever having another baby right now. It seems everything we try (biologically, adoption, even going through the state) is coming up empty. I'm not sure what else I can do... and that's a scary place to be. But it's here, when I'm at the end of what I can do, that my fear and my faith really collide. Am I going to trust in myself and what I can make happen? Or am I going to trust in the God who loves me and really does have a plan for my good? And if God's plan for me is to only have 1 miracle baby, can I accept that as His best for me? I don't want to spend my whole life longing for more than what God wants to give me. I don't want to live my life mired in discontentment.

Please know that I am rejoicing with those who rejoice. And please know that I covet your prayers as I mourn.