Thursday, March 11, 2010

I really should know better

I'm watching Facing the Giants, which is a great movie. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. But I should know better than to watch it when I am already feeling emotional, because it always makes me cry. In a good way, yes. Because there is just so much I can relate too.

Of course there is the obvious infertility struggle that the main characters face... but that's not what is doing it to me today. It's the part about fear. When the coach says he's so tired of being afraid. And later, when the wife tells him, "I think this is where your fear and your faith collide."

I'm not cowering in a corner somewhere, sucking my thumb and crying because I'm so afraid. But I have been thinking about how often fear tries to hold me back from living life. It doesn't have to be big things. It can be the little, everyday fears that succeed in derailing me over time.

Like right now, writing this blog, there is a fear in me that I shouldn't share too much about my journey. Part of me is scared of being vulnerable, scared to put it all out there, because what if I tell you all about our current course of action... and it doesn't work. Then I'll have to share bad news over and over again. Do you really need to know it all? Is it any of your business?

Yet every time I remain silent for a time, God makes it very clear that I need to step out from my fear and be honest with you... because you need to hear it... and I need to share it.

I guess this is where my fear and my faith collide, in some small way.

So here we are, gearing up for our first cycle of infertility drugs with our new RE. After all the lab work and tests and even an unexpected surgery, we're finally ready to start trying to have another baby. And it scares me, because what if it doesn't work. After 4 years of trying for a 2nd child, after thousands of dollars, after all the physical and emotional and spiritual struggles we've endured, we're finally doing something again.

And I'm terrified.

I'm excited, of course! I'm hopeful, for the first time in a very long time. I'm glad to be done spinning my wheels and to have a plan that my RE is confident about. But I'm scared too.

Scared that it still won't work, and that we will have to come to grips with the fact that God didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted. Scared that someone out there in blog land would think less of me for some reason. That you would feel sorry for me. That you would pity me. Scared that I never will have good news to share, and scared about how that would affect me.

And you.

Yet, here I am, typing away, sharing our journey with you, because I really do want to be obedient. And for whatever reason, God has told me that I need to live this part of my life out on center stage. I don't know why. But I have to obey anyway.

My mom used to always say to me, "Grace, don't limit yourself." because she saw that I would let fear get in my way time and time again. But I don't want to limit myself... and I don't want to limit God. He has promised to do above and beyond what I can ask or even imagine. So I'm praying big prayers, for myself and so many others in my life. And I'm anticipating what He will do. And I'm praising Him and trusting Him and obeying Him no matter what.

And I'm inviting you to join me.

Don't be afraid.

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