Today was my RE appointment to see if the clomd worked for us this month. It did not. My body did not respond to the medication as hoped, and I did not have any mature follicles this month. I was very disappointed, of course. I cried some on the way home. But then the words to the song
"Trading my Sorrows" came to mind:
I'm pressed but not crushed
Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I am pressed. I am struck down. I am in sorrow.
But I'm not crushed. I'm not destroyed. I'm not cursed.
One of the hardest things about infertility is the (seemingly) never-ending cycle of hope and despair. Repeating itself. Month after month, cycle after cycle. But God reminded me today that even in my sadness, His promise endures. Even in my sorrow, His joy is coming. Even though I feel alone, I am not abandoned. And He will be my joy, even now.
I am waiting to hear back from my doctor's office to talk about what to do next. This is only the first round we've tried with them, on the lowest dose of clomid. I imagine we will move on to another medication, a stronger medication, for the next round. So I'm not giving up. We're just going to try something new.
And in the meantime, I am realizing that there is more to my life than infertility. I'm going to keep pursuing a baby, whether biological or adopted (we're up for another staffing in April!). But I cannot let that be the end-all-be-all of my life. It can't be my only focus. God has given me this life to live, and right now, it includes infertility. Includes it, yes, but my life is not consumed by it.
I am disappointed. But I am not destroyed. Thank You, Lord.