Saturday, January 22, 2011

After Infertility

Being pregnant after infertility is a strange place to be.

For over 4 years, our prayers were focused on wanting a child. Every dollar we spent, every doctor we saw, every pill I swallowed, every season we walked through sprung from this desire to have a child. Every verse I read, every song I sung, every sermon I heard related in some way to my infertility. Every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower, every child who held out their arms for a hug at church reminded me of where I was, and where I so longed to be.

And now here we are. God in His mercy has granted the desire of our hearts, and we are expecting a baby!

4 years of longing were realized in one positive pregnancy test.

And you'd think I would never look back.

But those 4 years were such a huge part of my life. I met friends because of infertility that I might not have otherwise. I learned to be honest and open and vulnerable. I gained patience through infertility. And empathy. And trust in God no matter what our circumstances were.

Infertility shaped me.

And it's still a part of me.

It shows up in the weirdest ways sometimes. Like when I'm having a hard pregnancy day and I feel guilty for it, because I know there are so many women who would pay anything to have the same problem. Or when I hear of someone who accidentally got pregnant or who got pregnant on their first try, and for a split second I feel jealous again. Or when I see families with their children less than 6 years apart and I wish, for just a moment, that that were my story.

I am thankful every second of every day that God has brought me here, to this place, where I am pregnant with a healthy baby, anticipating how this one is going to change my life forever.

But I am also thankful for the past 4 years.

I couldn't always see it when I was going through it, of course. But God was right there with me in such a real, powerful way. He taught me so much, lessons I know I will never forget. He changed me and grew me and refined me.

He's been working miracles this whole time. My pregnancy is just the latest one.

1 comment:

Leesha said...

Hey friend. Thanks for sharing your heart. Thanks for being so compassionate about people like me. I love ya a lot!

I have given you a bloggy award!