Saturday, September 26, 2009

I'm Feeling It

In my life right now, there are many people, friends and family, who are either pregnant or who have just had babies. It comes with being the age I am. It's something that is always around me. And some of those people have expressed concern to me about their good news causing me pain in my current infertility journey. But in response I can honestly say, please don't worry about that. It's true I want another baby. I want one more than anything else in this world. But I don't want other people to NOT have babies just because I can't, if that makes any sense. I have learned long ago in this infertility struggle that other people's stories really have no bearing on my own. It wouldn't make me feel good if someone else couldn't get pregnant. Those I know who are also infertile, I pray every day that they will have babies soon. Those I know who are fertile, I don't wish away their fertility. So please don't worry about YOUR story causing me pain.

That being said, in this moment, MY story is causing me some pain. I'm just feeling really hopeless about ever having another baby right now. It seems everything we try (biologically, adoption, even going through the state) is coming up empty. I'm not sure what else I can do... and that's a scary place to be. But it's here, when I'm at the end of what I can do, that my fear and my faith really collide. Am I going to trust in myself and what I can make happen? Or am I going to trust in the God who loves me and really does have a plan for my good? And if God's plan for me is to only have 1 miracle baby, can I accept that as His best for me? I don't want to spend my whole life longing for more than what God wants to give me. I don't want to live my life mired in discontentment.

Please know that I am rejoicing with those who rejoice. And please know that I covet your prayers as I mourn.

1 comment:

Jean said...

Grace -- You & Steve most certainly have my prayers -- at the moment I am also sharing prayers & mourning with a wonderful young lady (my daughter-in-law, Catina & Chris, my son) who have yet to rejoice in that "miracle baby"!! They, also have come to a "dead end" in their adoption process -- just as the final papers were signed, Chris lost his job -- so everything is "on hold"! Your statement "I want one more than anything else in this world" -- is Catina's exact words to me! So, as I read your post & respond to it, "I'm Feeling It" as well! We covet your prayers, too! Thanks for sharing your heart, Grace.