Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Freed to Long

Last night was Bible study, and as always, I learned so much. I had prayed before I went that God would really speak to me during the study, and that He would speak to those tender areas of my heart that were hurting that day. It's amazing to me that a video message with Beth Moore, that was taped who knows when, could be so timely to me. God used it to speak to me THE VERY DAY I needed it.

Last night, Beth Moore talked about waiting. And about longing. And about how it's not waiting without the longing. She said if you're not longing for something, then you're not waiting. Time is just passing by. The longing for a certain time or event or object is what defines waiting. The very nature of waiting comes from the longing that goes along with it. In fact, the same Hebrew word is translated into English as both to long and to wait, sometimes even in the same verse! (See Isaiah 30:18 for an example.)

I cannot tell you how freeing this concept is for me. I have been struggling so much in my longing for a second baby. I would long for one, then feel guilty for longing for one when God has already given me a miracle baby. (After all, I had the same infertility issues when we got pregnant with our son Nathan!) I would beat myself up and feel shame and guilt, and I would try to stop the longing, but it always came back. But now, it's like I've been given permission from God to long. It's ok, during this time of waiting for our adoption to go through, to long for that baby.

Now, I'm not saying that I've been given permission to wallow in discontentment. No, there is no freedom in that. And I haven't been freed to wish away this moment in favor of what is coming down the road either. That is not what God would have me do. He wants me to live every moment of my life fully, deeply, totally. He wants me to rise above discontentment and be thankful for the ways He has (and is!) blessing me. He wants me to wait on Him, and on His perfect timing, and on His will. After all, I will be blessed when I wait for Him. (Read Isaiah 30:18 again. There's a lot in this verse!) Longing and contentment can, and should, coexist. What an amazingly freeing paradox!

And you know what the most amazing thing is? Not only is it ok for me to long for the baby, but God longs for that day too, because He longs to be gracious to me. (Isaiah 30:18. Seriously... read it!) If God is longing to bless me, then I can rest in the fact that He is not making me wait for no reason. He's not up there laughing that I can't get pregnant or that our adoption hasn't happened yet. He's not toying with my emotions. He longs for the day our baby comes home even more than I do! But the very fact that I am still waiting means that there is some reason for the wait. Some purpose behind it. It's part of His plan... and He promises that His plans are for my good.

(OK... I'll make it easy on you! Here's Isaiah 30:18!)

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him."

1 comment:

Lila said...

This is a touching post, Grace. It is very real for all of us "whatever" we are waiting for...