Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Is He really good?

I've put my finger on it. During this time of waiting, when we want a baby so badly and yet each month, each day, each moment seems to bring is no closer to it, this ultimately is what I struggle with. I don't ask, "Is God real?". I don't wonder "Does God love me?", although I have been known to whine that He has a funny way of showing His love right now. No, when I am mired down with all the unmet expectations, all the dreams that have not yet been fulfilled, all the longing for something that is still just out of my grasp... when I am THERE... this is the doubt that assails me:

"Is God really good?"

I know He has a plan. I know He's in control. I know this didn't take Him by surprise. I know He's real and there and even that He loves me. But is He really good? Is His plan really for my best, or is it something I have to settle for? Is He working in this, or has He overlooked me? Does He hear my prayer, or has He forgotten to listen? Is God and what He has for me really enough, or do I want things my own way?

That is the crux of the matter for me.
Do I really believe that God is good?

And after the tears and the anguished cries and the unfairness of it all and the questions and the doubts and the bitterness and the pain... after all that...

"Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.'
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him."
Lamentations 3:21-25

And I still believe it. I really do.

1 comment:

rachel said...

Praying for you guys. We love you!